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RE: For our math teachers

Posted 2/4/2011 12:16:00 PM

ROTF Bone! Now that's funny!


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You Might Like This Joke

Posted 2/9/2011 10:24:00 AM

---A very tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."



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Old Blue

Posted 2/11/2011 3:08:00 PM

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
  "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol'
Blue how to talk!"
 
  "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
  "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."
  So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
  About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs
out. The boy calls home.
 
  "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
  "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"
  "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?"
 
  "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
  The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he
shoots the dog.
 
  When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
  "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then
he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that
little redhead who lives down the street?"
 
  The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"
  "I sure did, Dad!"
  "That's my boy!"
 
  The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a
Congressman.




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RE: Old Blue

Posted 2/11/2011 5:20:00 PM






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RE: Old Blue

Posted 2/11/2011 5:24:00 PM

Thought you'd like that PB...



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The Yellow Light

Posted 2/22/2011 8:55:00 AM

THE YELLOW LIGHT
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
 
Priceless.




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RE: The Yellow Light

Posted 2/22/2011 5:41:00 PM





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One Wish

Posted 2/24/2011 6:35:00 PM

One Wish...
 
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant  that wish!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.



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RE: The lawyer and the blond

Posted 2/25/2011 1:27:00 PM

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.




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The chicken gun

Posted 2/26/2011 7:37:00 AM

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the stationary  windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, mimicking all  traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British  engineers. 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as  the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof  shield, smashed it to smither
eens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The  horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the  U.S.  scientists  for suggestions.
 
NASA responded  with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story) 




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RE: The chicken gun

Posted 2/26/2011 11:33:00 AM

That's some funny stuff, 2B!!!!


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Dumb Criminals

Posted 2/27/2011 10:48:00 PM

 What He Should Have Done
Oklahoma City, OK
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store when he decided to fire his attorney. The Oklahoma City District Attorney said Newton was doing a decent job until the store manager testified that Newton was indeed the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, " I should have blown your f***ing head off" The defendant paused then added "If I had been the one that was there." The jury deliberated for twenty minutes before returning a verdict of guilty and recommended a sentence of thirty years.




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Ventriloquist

Posted 2/28/2011 3:17:00 PM

This guy is hilarious.

www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2010/paul-zerdin-ventriloquist-without-dummy-p1.php




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Viagra and TSA

Posted 3/2/2011 11:14:00 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjcowVouSJo

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