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Truths for Mature Humans
Thread Created On 10/13/2010 2:17:00 PM

NICE


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RE: Truths for Mature Humans

Posted 10/13/2010 2:17:00 PM

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 


5. How the h*ll are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.  

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.  
 
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.  

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.  

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.  

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.  
 
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!  

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.     (Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)




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RE: Truths for Mature Humans

Posted 10/13/2010 5:43:00 PM

#16 is SPOT ON!



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RE: Truths for Mature Humans

Posted 10/19/2010 7:35:00 AM

#20 is a great one. I almost wet myself when this happens.


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RE: Truths for Mature Humans

Posted 10/20/2010 10:27:00 AM

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.




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A Little Christmas Story

Posted 12/15/2010 8:23:00 AM

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
 
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Not a lot of people know this.
 
 
Happy Holidays!





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RE: A Little Christmas Story (SEC Style)

Posted 12/17/2010 7:36:00 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8u_c1oyaClU


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RE: A Little Christmas Story (SEC Style)

Posted 12/17/2010 6:21:00 PM

Now that th'ar was awesome bone.






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RE: A Little Christmas Story (SEC Style)

Posted 12/18/2010 6:55:00 PM

Filmed on location in Rosalia...they needed snow and SEC country is short of that.



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RE: A Little Christmas Story (SEC Style)

Posted 12/19/2010 8:38:00 AM

Actually, I think that was filmed in Clayton.


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Shipwreck

Posted 12/21/2010 4:58:00 PM

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.  Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.  After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. 

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
 animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
 lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
 the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.  That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.  Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings”
 again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. 

Nancy  batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
 do for him.

He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”




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Norwegian Icebreaker

Posted 12/29/2010 10:59:00 AM

Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Mississippi River 
  
As you may have seen on the news it's been very cold in Iowa.

So cold, in fact, that the US Corp of Engineers has borrowed a Norwegian Icebreaker to clear the Mississippi River for freighter
traffic.

The Icebreaker is starting near Davenport and working
its way northward.
 
Here is a picture as the hard work of ice breaking begins. Impressive!

 
Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Mississippi

 

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A Big Thanks To 2B for breaking that ice!




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RE: Norwegian Icebreaker

Posted 12/30/2010 5:42:00 AM

Glad to help the heartland PB...



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RE: Norwegian Icebreaker

Posted 1/2/2011 7:26:00 PM

Hey 2B, you would really impress the ladies if you didn't have to use the axe.


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RE: Norwegian Icebreaker

Posted 1/4/2011 9:17:00 AM

bone...that's just for breaking the top of the ice. A different tool is used under the surface...



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Real Men of Genius

Posted 1/6/2011 3:51:00 PM

Red Green - hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uomk60wP2mI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgMheL7dGu0&feature=related


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RE: Real Men of Genius

Posted 1/7/2011 3:54:00 PM

Red Green is my favorite! "If the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy", "Duct Tap, the handyman’s secret weapon", "Remember, any tool can be the right tool",

Keep you stick on the ice...



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RE: Real Men of Genius

Posted 1/7/2011 8:54:00 PM

I'd never heard of Red Green but glad Codman posted him...OUTSTANDING.

And CP, I'll keep my stick where I please thank you very much!



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RE: Real Men of Genius

Posted 1/10/2011 8:15:00 AM

CP - "Duct Tape, the handyman’s secret weapon"
Better than ear plugs - lol.
 



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RE: Real Men of Genius

Posted 1/11/2011 12:49:00 PM

Jan. 11---Winlock, Wa.  A 44 old Winlock man was arrested at 7 am Monday on two counts -- attempted theft and nudity while trying to steal the Worlds Largest Egg.   Billy Jim Bob was found atop the Egg trying to unbolt it in the nude.  His 1975 Datsun pickup truck was attached to the Egg by a 50 ft. nylon rope.  We said that he wanted to drag that egg thru downtown Winlock till it disappeared, I hate the EGG.
He is now booked into the Lewis County Sheriff's lock up where the below mugshot was snapped--on $50,000 bond.   
Cuts are from trying to hide  inside  the EGG as Barney Fife and the Winlock Cops arrived on scene.   
Billy Jim Bob is a leading candidate for the Darwin Awards given out in Winlock later this Month.  But in order to win a Darwin Award a person has to remove himself from the Gene Pool.

 
 


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RE: Real Men of Genius

Posted 1/28/2011 7:38:00 AM

Our senior prank was going to be to "borrow" the egg and place it under the Yard Birds bird in Chehalis.  Unfortunately, the bird burnt down before we could execute our plan.  Someone in a Ford Pinto coasted underneath the bird while their car just happened to be on fire.  To this day, I still think the Pinto was placed there and set on fire by someone from Toledo wanting to steal our thunder...


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